Monday, October 27, 2014
Wednesday, October 22, 2014
Imagine that you had a list of everything about your sexual history that you’re ashamed of. Would you ever share it with anyone?
My name is Jean Franzblau with “Sexual Esteem with Jean” and we’re deep into a process called “The Sexual Shame Inventory.” The Sexual Shame Inventory can include things that have happened to you, things that you have done and even things that you have thought.
The next step is the find a safe person with whom to share this list. Why would you share this list with anyone? There’s a great saying in 12-step recovery programs: You’re only as sick as your secrets.
Who in your life is a great listener? Who can handle hearing specifics about your sex life? Who can you trust to hold this information sacred and confidential?
Let’s say you’ve asked the right person and that person has said yes – what next?
Let’s say you’ve asked the right person and that person has said yes – what next?
Set aside some time for the experience and give yourselves some privacy and quiet. Coach your listening buddy not to give you advice about what you’re sharing – their one important function is to listen. Ask the person to simply say “thank you” after each item on the list.
I encourage you to be really gentle with yourself. You could share items on your list for just five minutes and check in with how you are feeling. Breathe. Take breaks. Do what you need to do to respect that fact that this can be a life changing process.
Good luck sharing your Sexual Shame Inventory. The next video in this series will explain the final step in the process.
Wednesday, October 8, 2014
Exploring the parts of our sexual histories that are uncomfortable, embarrassing or traumatic can bring up painful emotions and memories. That’s why it’s important to consider if you might need the support of a mental health professional – a therapist – before doing an inventory like this.
Imagine three zones – the comfort zone, the stretch zone and the danger zone. Activities in the comfort zone feel easy to do. Activities in the stretch zone are challenging yet manageable. And activities in the danger zone are overwhelming to even think about. Proceed with the Sexual Shame Inventory as long as you are in either the comfort or stretch zones.
The Sexual Shame Inventory is a thorough list of everything that has occurred in your sexual life for which you feel ashamed. It could be events that have happened to you, things you have done or even things that you have thought or fantasized about that bring up shame.
It doesn’t need to make sense why you feel shame about these things. If you feel negative or “icky” about an experience, just put it on the list.
One way to go about this inventory is to go in 5-year increments from the beginning of your life. This can help organize your thoughts and jog your memory.
After you’ve completed your list, the next phase is to share it with a trusted, safe person. Please watch the video on that – which will be posted soon.
Good luck with your inventory; this is brave work.
Sunday, September 21, 2014
I met some amazing people at Sex Geek Summer Camp who increased my knowledge about what transgendered means.
Like Mac McGregor. He’s an educator, activist and coach and is also female-to-male transgendered. A transgendered person was born with genitals that don’t match the gender that they feel inside. An example would be someone who was born with a vulva – like Mac – who has a masculine identity.
A person whose genitals and gender identity match is called “cis-gendered.” I fit into this category. I was born with a vulva and feel female on the inside.
A person whose genitalia is not matching how they feel on the inside – that is transgendered.
Mac became our "gender sensei" at camp. He gave a talk about gender, and I had an awkward question: If I had a trans-gendered lover, what should I call that person’s genitals? Mac explained that I should simply ask them what their preference is. That makes good sense!
Another question I had was, “What pronoun should I use for a transgendered person?” Let’s say I’m at a party and I see someone who clearly was born with male genitals. I see masculine looking broad shoulders and an Adam’s apple yet this individual is dressed like a woman. This would tell me that the gender identity may be different than the genitals – just as we’ve been talking about. Do I call this person a Him? Her? Just as before the answer is, “ask.”
And don’t call from across the room like a dork, “Hey Dude! What do you want to be called?” Instead, be subtle. Make it a quiet side bar conversation. Be respectful, and ask this: what pronoun do you prefer?
Some people prefer "he" or "she"; some people prefer "ze" or "zim." And some prefer "they."
It’s possible that a transgendered person feels neither male nor female. A person may also feel female on one day and male on another day. Fascinating, huh? This is one reason why the phrase gender queer came about.
There’s so much to know. I believe it’s our responsibility as cis-gendered people to learn more about our transgender brothers and sisters and Zees and Zims. You don’t always know who in a group feels in alignment with the genitals they were born with - so don’t assume!
Wednesday, September 10, 2014
When I came home from camp and showed the toy to my lover, he looked at it and didn’t say a word. The next day he acknowledged that he was afraid of it. That’s because he could tell from the look of it that it may be intended for prostate play. He was correct! The Fun Wand is intended for the G-spot and the (prostate) P-spot stimulation.
The Fun Wand is stainless steel and really yummy to hold and touch. It’s also heavy. When I asked my lover to experiment with the toy, the first thing I did was hold it up to the width of my finger. (He has experienced my finger in him a few times.) The toy was not much bigger. I think this helped my partner feel less overwhelmed.
The issue of using this toy on my partner – it’s a big deal. He has a lot of shame around anal play. And there’s profound vulnerability for him in being penetrated – it affects him emotionally. So kudos to him for his courage!
My first inclination was to cover it with a condom for easy clean up. But this toy is so easy to clean, there was no need for that. My partner got to feel the smoothness and the coolness of the toy. I did some research – if I dipped it in warm water it would be warm and yummy and if I put it in the refrigerator, it would be cool to the touch. So there were options.
We used silicone lubricant – it’s a wonderful lube for anal play. I began with my finger – gently on the outside. I kept checking in with him; we had lots of eye contact. When he was ready, I inserted it super slowly. He was ready, and we took our time.
I was touched and delighted to have the opportunity to be the one who gently, lovingly and respectfully penetrates.
What was a joy for me is that my partner began asking me to try different things. So his shame was gone and was replaced by curiosity. We found several spots that were really pleasurable and special for my partner. This was such a turn-on for me.
I’m looking forward to using the Njoy Fun Wand for my solo play and lots more with my partner. I like this toy and would recommend it wholeheartedly.
Where you can find the Njoy Fun Wand? Njoytoys.com.
Friday, August 29, 2014
There's a whole population of curious people who are intrigued by kink but are afraid to be "found out." This post offers four tips for those who'd like to keep their perverted sides private.
1. Don’t Do Your Kinky Research at Work or on a School Computer
Most companies have computer policies where they reserve the right to track any website you visit. To keep your peace of mind, enjoy your online explorations on your own computer, tablet or phone.
2. Create a New Email Address
Chances are your research will begin online – you’ll find books, videos, social websites and blogs. Start a fresh email address that’s for your sexy explorations only. Use a pseudonym that has nothing to do with your name, where you live or where you work or go to school – have fun creating a new identity:
This is the email address that you’ll use for your online communities like FetLife or your online subscriptions – to KinkAcademy for instance.
3. Use Anonymous Photos
Make your profile photos anonymous by not including your face.
One friend – Ruby Ryder – posts a photo that shows off just her sexy shoes. Another friend flaunts only her bodiced body below the neck.
This can be a fun and creative way for you to express yourself.
Another point about photos, if you’re at a kinky event, don’t pose for photos. It would be very easy for someone to accidentally tag you on Facebook – which you probably don't want.
4. Be Very Selective About Giving Out Your Phone Number
Does your phone number reveal your identity? Try entering it into Google to check. And only give your number away to people that you have a reason to trust.
Go forth my private and perverted ones, and good luck in your explorations!